I Used to be the One With the Halo
by nixandschnitz
Summary: Clarke deals with the burden of her decisions and actions as a leader, and the deaths. Just my take on what's going on in Clarke's head as her heart and her mind deal with the after effects of season 2


A/N: just my thoughts on what's going on in Clarke's head following the events of season 2. If you recognize it, I don't own it.

Leaving everyone behind, her mom, her people, the 47, Bellamy, hurt, manifesting itself like a physical wound. Her heart was breaking, yet she finally understood and moved past her mother's part in the death of her father. The sacrifices required to save their people. The stain upon her soul.

As she made her camp for the night, her mind twisted over Dante Wallace's words. _I bear it so they don't have to._ It's what she told Bellamy right before she walked away from him. Bear the guilt, the agony that comes with ordering the death of _children_ to keep your loved ones alive. It's a burden that will eat your very soul from the inside out.

She killed Finn to save her people from the grounders, to secure an alliance to save her friends. An alliance the grounder commander, Lexa, betrayed to save the tree people that had been kept as a blood source for Mount Weather. Lexa said it was a decision she made with her head, not her heart, what Clarke herself would have done.

Lies.

Clarke wouldn't have left the grounders to the mercy of Mount Weather, even if they'd been offered their people. Her heart wouldn't let her do that. The same way that her heart knew she couldn't save Finn. His death still hurt her deep inside. She had thought she loved him, at one point.

She went against what her heart said at Ton DC, followed Lexa's decision, a decision that was made with the warrior's head. Replayed that choice over and over. If she'd have made it seem like the grounder leaders had decided quickly and were ready to advance the attack, would it have kept Bellamy safe and spared those that were injured or had died from Cage's missile?

Octavia hadn't forgave her for it by the time they returned to Camp Jaha. If Octavia would have been killed, Bellamy would never have been able to forgive her. He was so quick to freely offer up forgiveness, salvation in the palm of his hand, but if his sister had died, he'd curse her for it. So many lives she was responsible for, both living and among the dead.

She tried to plead with the younger girl, she was doing the best she could, she never wanted to be the leader, the one in charge, what more did they want from her?

"I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!" Clarke sobbed out, unaware that it had already begun to rain. The tree she was propped against providing little coverage from the water pooling beneath her. She let the rain fall over her, wash away her sins. Oh, it was such a weighty burden, too much for any one person to bear alone.

The tears came pouring out, insignificant with the deluge, but she couldn't hold it back any longer. She cried very little after Finn, having to put her needs aside for the good of her people. She cried for Finn, for herself, for Raven having to lose the last of her family with the plunge of the knife. Raven was still angry at Clarke, but after Gustus' attempt to frame her backfiring and witnessing was would have been Finn's punishment, the two girls had worked to repair their still tumultuous relationship. She cried for Octavia, whom she almost condemned to death in a moment of weakness and not listening to her heart, when it said Lexa was wrong to not warn of the incoming missile. For Lincoln, who was tortured by her friends at her own command, struggling to go against his commander's orders to stay behind and save those same people because in his heart he knew it was the right thing to do.

But most of all, she cried because Bellamy told her. He told her about how he was mistaken for a grounder and sent to the harvest chamber. How he was forced through the decontamination process, and bled. How Maya and Echo helped save him, killing Lovejoy, and seeing the man's son in the complex.

He offered her forgiveness. But how could he forgive her, she sent him there, and he was tortured because she allowed someone to poison her mind against her heart.

She curls herself inward, lying in the fetal position to conserve her body heat, losing the strength to continue crying as the rain slows to a drizzle. Sleep overcomes her.

* * *

She wakes in the same position, body stiff, mentally and physically drained, but cathartic. No longer a ticking time bomb of emotions, ready to look at herself from a new angle. The rain washed away the blood and tears, but she's covered in mud.

After taking care of the functional necessities, Clarke begins the process again.

Could she have found a way to save everyone? Dante couldn't look past the generators going down, but he refused to let her people go. He gave her no option. Kane said he tried to reason with Cage, but was refused.

It all circles back.

If she wouldn't have pulled the lever, Bellamy would have. Octavia was caught on level five, and would have been killed or drilled for marrow. His sister. His responsibility. Everything he had done, beginning with shooting Chancellor Jaha, at the risk of his own death, he did for his sister. He was the first one to insist they not kill innocent bystanders, the children, those not involved directly with the deaths of their friends. But when the guards pointed their guns at Octavia, he knew what had to be done, he'd damn himself to the depths of hell to save her. That's not weakness. That's strength.

The strength to do whatever is necessary to save the ones they love.

Clarke's revelation brings a sense of weightlessness. She finds herself retracing her steps. She must go back. She's not the same person she was when she left them, her heart, her mind and her soul are finally in a place where she can find and accept forgiveness.

She picks up her pace and starts running back to camp., her chosen exile no longer needed. She needs to be back, needs to heal amongst her family and friends, and help heal those in return.

She sees the camp, the walls and the gate. A silhouette with a mop of curly dark hair. Bellamy. He sees her too, she can tell because he's running towards her now. They collide and are soon wrapped in each other's arms, clinging to the comfort that comes with the warmth familiar presence.

"I shouldn't have left."

"I was coming to find you"


End file.
